War
by kjwrit
Summary: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAKESMYHEADSPIN! A silly little tale of battle lines and boundaries being crossed. AH/AU One shot.


**So I've been MIA from this site for a while and I apologize. I've been tinkering over on my Wordpress site lately, but I couldn't not send out some birthday love to my lovely fanfic wife Makesmyheadspin. **

**HAPPY BIRTHDAY WIFEY!**

**If you're missing her, she's been hanging out on Wordpress too, so head on over and wish her some birthday love. I'll be back over here soon to finish up Tales of the Dead and every other story I have incomplete, but if you don't want to wait there's some stuff posted over there I haven't gotten around to posting over here. In the meantime, I give you this. I had to church up the title for the summary, but the real one is below.**

**DISCLAIMER: Charlaine Harris owns them all. I just wanted to put Eric in a tool belt.**

Pussy Wars

**SPOV**

"Ames? Ames, what's wrong?"

I'd just walked in the front door for the first time in a week and I was tired and smelled like airplane and all I wanted was to let Calgon take me away, but I couldn't ignore her. Not when I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen her so upset. And I'd been there with her in the hospital when her dad had his first heart attack.

But just thinking about it made me ask, "It's not your dad again, is it?"

"No," she wailed. "It's that fucking whore PAM again!"

Uh oh.

"Do you want me to go next door and talk to her _master_?" I asked, already pulling my shoes back on. Our new neighbors had barely moved in six weeks earlier and I'd never even laid eyes on them, but Amelia had filled me in like a good roommate should.

At least enough to know by now that Pam was _gorgeous_.

_A gorgeous back biting whore._

Literally.

"Would you?" she hiccupped. "I'm too upset and I know if I go over there I'm going to end up getting arrested."

From what I'd been told, I doubted it would do any good, but I couldn't ignore how upset she was and said, "Yeah, I'll go. But don't go getting your hopes up."

The trek across the field separating our two houses didn't take long to cross and even though I was tired and just wanted to get it over with, I couldn't help but stop to appreciate the work that had been done on the old Compton homestead. My job had taken me away for the last several weeks with me only being home on the weekends. That time had been spent doing laundry and vegetating out in the yard, working on my tan until it was time to hop back on a plane the following Monday. It was hectic, but it was my life for now. I was just grateful I had a roommate as great as Amelia.

She was such a neat freak you could eat off of the floors. Gran would've been proud to lay claim to her as her kin.

But the Compton place had never looked so good. The front porch had been replaced along with the roof and even without the new coat of paint shining in the fading daylight, the fresh smell of it would've given it away. It was a shame the new owner was an asshole.

I wanted to compliment what they'd done to the place.

Instead I climbed the new warp-free steps, pulling my faux bitch face on, and knocked on the front door.

And then I waited.

And then I knocked again and waited some more.

The front door was wide open with the new screen door keeping both me and the bugs out, but I could hear someone moving around inside and music playing from somewhere in the house.

"Hello?" I called out when several minutes of me knocking had gone unanswered, feeling and probably sounding more than a little agitated. Amelia had said the asshole had taken to ignoring her whenever she'd tried coming over lately and she'd resorted to yelling at the house on more than one occasion.

She was passionate.

And a little crazy.

I was contemplating just going home, but I knew Amelia would just feel compelled to march over there herself, and I wasn't in the mood to deal with Bud Dearborn tonight.

I just wanted my tub and a heaping helping of Calgon.

My closed fist was hovering, about to knock on the wooden doorframe again, when I saw her saunter around the corner and into the foyer.

Pam.

Amelia hadn't been exaggerating. She _was_ gorgeous. It was the first time I'd laid eyes on her and even with her cold and detached stare, I had a hard time believing she was as evil as Amelia had said she was. She looked too pretty to be so mean, but before I could do or say anything, someone else rounded the corner.

Someone who was bare from the waist up, flashing more than a six pack that hadn't come from any brewery. He was wearing low slung jeans hanging on his hips and had big bare bear feet poking out of the leg holes.

He pulled off the look with a tool belt. He pulled it off well.

And all it made me want to do was pull all of it off of him.

"Can I help you?" the blond angel asked as he approached the door.

Why yes. Yes you can. Can you take care of my plumbing?

Pretty please?

"Uh…I uh…I'm Sookie," I stuttered.

To hell with Calgon. I suddenly wanted a heaping helping of something else.

Something that I could easily be convinced was a plumber's wrench hiding in his jeans behind that tool belt.

"I'm Eric," he smiled, making my lady bits stand up and cheer.

This couldn't possibly be the asshole Amelia was telling me about. Maybe he was the handyman?

_Maybe please dear God with whipped cream and chocolate sauce on top of his naked chest let him be the handyman?_

With my silent prayer sent, I crossed my fingers and said questioningly, "I'm looking for the homeowner?"

"You found him," he replied, with his smile continuing to eat away at my morals.

And my panties.

Maybe Amelia was wrong about him. After all she was crazy.

Hoping I was right and she was more batshit than I gave her credit for, I began with, "I live across the way and my…"

His eyes narrowed with his smile disappearing and his beautiful face hardening as he held up his giant bear paw and cut me off with, "I don't want to hear it. I already tried talking to your…your…_wife_, but she's completely unreasonable."

My _wife_?

Scooping Pam up into his arms, he didn't let me get a word in edgewise as he said, "Just look at what that bastard did to my poor Pam! She's all matted where he clamped his filthy fucking mouth onto her neck and she was bleeding!"

You'd think Pam was his first born and not a pure bred Persian. She was beautiful, sure.

But she was a cat.

Her and Bob had been getting into it ever since they moved in. And – according to Amelia – since Bob was a Mormon in a former life and – also according to Amelia – Pam had been a gladiator, he'd been getting his ass kicked ever since. He'd been licking his wounds on Amelia's lap when I'd walked into the house earlier.

"Listen, I…" I began and was cut off again.

It made no difference since I was no longer feeling very coherent.

Because a second bare chested man, identical in height but broader in the shoulders, also wearing nothing but jeans and a tool belt strolled into the foyer. His dark hair was the opposite of the homeowner's blond mane, but if I hadn't known any better I would think I'd accidentally stumbled upon a Chippendale's All Male Review.

And there I was without a single single on me.

"Well _hello_," he smiled. "I'm Alcide, Eric's partner. And who might you be?"

I might be disappointed.

No. Scratch that. I was _definitely_ disappointed.

Now it kind of made sense why he would assume Amelia was my wife.

You know, since Alcide was his _partner_.

Alcide was nice to look at, but it was Eric who floated my little man in a boat. Now we were both left adrift and I was left with nothing to do but fantasize about what Eric plus Alcide might equal.

Maybe they left their blinds open at night?

"That's the bit…_neighbor's_ wife," Eric answered and then looked at me snarling, "You keep that fucker away from my Pam or he may just go missing one day never to be heard from again."

"Now wait just a minute," I snarled back. Bob wasn't my favorite being on earth and if he coughed up another hairball on my bedroom rug, he and I would be having words. Stern ones. But Amelia had gotten him as a kitten years earlier and she'd been living with me for the last three of them. They were a package deal and she loved him. And I loved Amelia. Not in the way he thought I loved her, but that wasn't the point.

Bob had seniority here. Not Pam.

But before I could let loose on him with the why's and how come's Pam needed to back the hell off, he slammed the door in my face.

Amelia had been right. So I bumped my invisible fist against hers in sisterly solidarity as I turned from the door and stomped down the steps, yelling out, "Asshole!"

**EPOV**

"What in the hell did you do _that_ for?" Alcide asked. "If _you_ don't want her, _I'll_ be _more_ than happy to take her off your hands."

"What part of _she's a lesbian_ don't you understand?" I retorted.

She was hot. Really hot. And I'd bet the house her tits were real. I'd caught glimpses of her sunbathing over the past two weekends when I'd been up on the roof and had nearly fallen off of it once or twice just watching her. In fact, she was _exactly_ my type. I'd never gotten a good look at her face until tonight, so I hadn't known who she was at first and that may have been why I'd been so quick to snap at her. But the resident gossip hound of Bon Temps, a Mrs. Fortenberry, had been quick to fill me in about the two of them when I'd had the misfortune of running into her at the post office and told her where I lived. She didn't come right out and say they were lesbians, but I could read between the lines. And now that I'd seen her up close, I could admit I found Sookie's sexual orientation disappointing. But I had no delusions I could _change_ her.

However my inner perverted teenage boy wouldn't mind watching them if they wouldn't let me join in.

"The part where she might be willing to use _my parts_ once her biological clock starts ticking," he grinned. "She's got another ten years or so until it starts ringing and I'd be willing to let her warm up to the idea. Starting out with her warming up my bed."

I guessed I wasn't the only one with an inner perverted teenager.

"I'm sure _Debbie_ would love your altruism," I taunted him.

_Love_ as in enough to _kill_ him.

I watched as he physically shuddered and subconsciously covered his dick with his hands as he said, "Yeah, well…"

Uh huh. That's what I thought.

Alcide and I had been best friends since kindergarten. His father owned a construction company and we grew up together in the trade. My father had called in absent for my life, but I didn't need him. Jackson Herveaux filled the void and he filled it quite well. And if I didn't love Alcide's mom just as much, I might've wished Jackson would've married mine. But we got along okay with just the two of us.

All the way up until breast cancer had taken her from me six months earlier.

Pam was _her_ cat and maybe I was a little bit overprotective of her because of it. I never cared for her one way or the other until my mom had gotten sick and when she knew there would be no coming back from it, she asked me to take care of her.

I couldn't take the cancer from her body, but I could at least take care of her cat. Of course I agreed.

So now Pam was mine and I'd be damned if I let some fuckhat named Bob hurt her.

"Don't you think you're going a little overboard?" Alcide asked while I snuggled Pam in my arms. "That's the only pussy you've been interested in in over a year."

"Fuck you and your creepy need to keep a timeline on the last time I got laid. At least _her claws_ don't come out when I have to work late and don't call."

"Fuck you and your truths," he laughed. "Maybe I'll replace Debbie with a female kit, so I can truthfully say I have to get home to my _foxy lady_."

"Maybe you've been breathing in too many paint fumes," I laughed back.

Alcide had been helping me restore this monstrosity. My mother had been an ad exec for my entire life and had done well for herself. She'd left me a sizable inheritance and I used some of it to buy this place because she'd always dreamed of living out in the country in a house just like this. When Jackson decided to retire not long after my mother passed (seeing her wither away had made him realize life was too short and he wanted to enjoy what was left of it with his wife), he left equal shares of the company to both Alcide and I. There was no need to even change the name Herveaux and Sons. Alcide was his only son by birth. He'd added the plural onto the end when he unofficially adopted me, surprising me with the addition painted onto the side of his truck on my eighth birthday.

I hoped to be half the dad he was someday.

Pam decided she'd had enough attention by the humans, so I put her down on the floor and followed Alcide back to the kitchen. Getting us each another beer from the fridge, I asked, "What's it going to be this weekend? Kitchen or master bath?"

With only the landscaping left to be done on the outside, I wanted to start work on the inside. I could plant shrubs and shit on my own in the evenings, but I would need his help to hang drywall and move the heavy stuff.

"No can do, partner," he half spoke half belched. "Debbie's cousin's wedding is this weekend. She's dragging me with her to Jackson Mississippi. I plan on bringing a bowling ball to take her down when they're getting ready to throw the bouquet."

I wiped my forehead with the cold bottle in my hands, laughing at the visual he painted, and said, "Maybe I'll start putting in the duct work for the central air." It was only the end of April and already it was getting hot as hell. I wanted it done before summer was in full swing.

I'd had enough of seeing Alcide's naked chest.

"Thank Christ," he muttered. "Before long I'll be forced to walk around here naked." He took another swig of his beer, burping loud enough for Pam to squawk and flee the room, before he smiled and said, "Hey! Maybe your new neighbors will show up while I'm swinging free and then they'll realize they need a meaty filling in their sandwich."

"Maybe Monty," I stared back at him, not wanting to visualize _that_, and added, "Or maybe Pam will just use your dick as her new scratching post."

I wouldn't be surprised. It would explain her continued wandering over to the neighbors' house and her aversion to Bob.

Maybe Pam was a lesbian too.

If she was, she had good taste. I'd be a lesbian for Sookie.

**SPOV**

"He's an _asshole_!" I yelled as soon as I walked into the house.

"I _told_ you!" Amelia added unhelpfully, nodding her head like a bobble head doll taking a ride down the train tracks.

"And he's an _assuming asshole_. He thinks we're married."

My disappointment over him playing for the other team was running just as strong as my anger. I supposed it was all for the best though. I'd be tempted to compete if he had a girlfriend.

But a husband? There was no way I could compete with that.

"What?" she asked, with her curiosity overriding her own anger. So I explained what I found and the little bit I'd been told when I went over there and in true Amelia fashion, she bolted off of the couch with Bob falling to the floor with a thud. She ran upstairs to her room and back down again, now with a pair of binoculars in her hand as she asked, "Did you notice if they hung up any blinds yet?"

Maybe we were more alike than I'd realized.

"I don't know _Tom_, but we shouldn't be peeping on them," I chided as I moved to stand next to her at the window facing their house and asking in the same breath, "Can you see anything?"

"Not really," she sighed and handed me the binoculars so I could peep too. "But if they go at it on the porch swing in the corner, we'll totally be able to see it. All will be forgiven by me if they do."

She always was the more optimistic of the two of us.

"Uh huh. I'll be sure to let them know the next time I go over there before I get the door slammed in my face again."

"Come on _wifey_," she giggled. "That shit is _hot_. I've seen the two of them working on the roof, but I just assumed they were friends. I'd sacrifice Bob's male ego to watch the both of them getting hot and heavy with each other."

I'd sacrifice Bob just to keep his hairballs off of my bedroom floor, but I knew saying so would just lead to our fake divorce, so I kept my trap shut.

Just like any good husband would.

I was hanging my sheets on the clothesline out back the next day when I spotted her.

Pam.

She was stalking through the tall grass at the edge of the yard where the trees surrounded the back property. If it wasn't for her pristine white fur, I probably never would've seen her, but knowing Bob was safely inside of the house I ignored her. It was a gorgeous day and with my laundry taken care of and Amelia away at work, I stripped off my shorts and grabbed my book so I could pass the time in my bikini, with my cheesy romance hero of the day in the sun. My plan didn't work out so well since the male lead was described as a tall brooding blond. All I could picture was the asshole next door. And since I hadn't slept very well thanks to the steamy dreams I'd had of me and him going at it hot and heavy on his porch swing, it didn't take long for me to fall asleep in the sun only so I could relive them all over again.

I woke up to the most god awful sound. Screaming and hissing filled my ears as I sat up startled before I got my bearings and realized what the sound was.

Cats.

I sprinted towards the noise and found the screen on the backdoor had been ripped open, with Pam's head poking through into the house and Bob's head trapped in her jaws.

"Hey!" I yelled as I got closer. Reaching in, I grabbed her by the scruff of her neck, surprising her enough to let go of Bob, so he could probably go and cough up a hairball on my bedroom floor in protest. But she turned on me and sank her claws into my arm and side. It hurt like a mother fucker, but I managed to keep ahold of her and stomped back to the clothesline. Ripping down one of my pillowcases, I dropped her inside of it before twisting the top shut and marched next door with my bag o' pissed off cat.

We were very alike in that moment.

"HEY!" I yelled through the screen door when I stomped onto their front porch.

I was greeted by the sound of silence, but I was done playing nice.

My bag o' hissing cat would've been their first clue.

I didn't wait longer than five seconds before I marched into the house and yelled out, "HELLO?!"

My catch of the day wasn't going down quietly and as I climbed the stairs looking for her asshole owner, I could hear the fabric ripping from her claws.

"ASSHOLE?" I yelled out again when I reached the top landing and heard a loud bang followed by a shouted, "FUCK!" coming from one of the bedrooms.

Oh.

Maybe they were fucking?

My feet carried me a little faster towards the open door. I would blame the squirming bag o' cat if asked under cross examination in front of a judge later on, but I stopped short seeing the asshole all alone.

Rubbing the top of his head and wearing nothing but a sheen of sweat and boxer briefs.

Boxer. Briefs.

They hid _nothing_ and I was immediately consumed by jealousy that I wasn't Alcide.

He was a lucky lucky man.

And just like what was staring at me from his boxer briefs, his eyes bulged taking in my appearance.

Pissed off and bloody is certainly one way to make an entrance.

"What are you…" he began to ask and then paused, while both of us watched as Pam finally slit her way through my 1000 thread count pillowcase.

Sue me. They were a birthday gift to myself because my bed was my sanctuary. Even Bob wasn't safe when it came to my Egyptian cotton.

Pam dropped to the floor, much more gracefully than Bob had done the night before, and hissed at me before skulking her way to the asshole looking like a beaten orphan.

Fucking Annie on Broadway had nothing on that bitch.

"You put my cat in a bag?" he yelled while picking up his precious.

"No," I snapped. "I put _your cat_ in a headlock and dropped her ass into my pillowcase after she slit the screen on my backdoor and attacked _my cat_! You're lucky I didn't pass a pond with big rocks on my way over here!"

I'd been waving the still damp pillowcase around in front of me like the crazy cat lady I'd just laid claim to being, but in doing so I noticed I was also bleeding all over his hardwood floor.

Figures. He _would_ prefer hardwood over carpet.

In an attempt to keep my eyes from straying to any other wood on display in his bedroom, I used the ruined pillowcase to wipe up the blood trailing down my side.

It had been a bad move on my part.

I hadn't realized Lady Wolverine had caught the side of my bikini top in her attempt to slice me in two, so all it took was the slightest pull on the fabric string tie for my top to come undone.

And my girls to spring free.

**EPOV**

I knew they were real.

And holy fuck were they _amazing_.

I couldn't take my eyes away from them and I had no doubt I would still be seeing them long after she was gone.

They were _that_ amazing.

Why were all of the good ones taken?

And lesbians?

She squeaked in surprise and tried to cover herself with the shredded pillowcase, but I was too mesmerized by the way her blush went all the way down her body to notice it wasn't doing her any good.

Not when all I could think about was doing her.

And it would be better than good. It would be fantastic.

And it was thoughts like that that made me realize I should probably throw my shorts on before I scared her with my foreign man parts. But my mother didn't raise a complete cad, so I tossed her my t-shirt to put on and turned around to give her some privacy. It didn't help though.

When I turned to face her again she looked just as good wearing my clothes too.

Instead of imagining all of the things I could do to her there in my bedroom, I tried to remember I was angry and said, "I have a hard time believing _Pam_ would attack _your cat_ through a screen door."

It wasn't the only hard time I was having either.

Her legs looked edible and all I wanted to do was spend the rest of the day trying to lick the golden tan from her skin, so it helped when she snarled back, "Yeah well, my ripped screen and blood all over your floor would indicate _your precious_ isn't so _precious_."

Fuck her and the indignation she rode in on. That was _my mother's cat_ and she could go to hell.

"Get the fuck out of my house and keep your fucking _Bob_ away from my _Pam_. Come in uninvited again and I'll call the cops."

"Good luck there, asshole," she smirked angrily. "I grew up in this town. And I know _all_ of the spots to bury a body where it'll _never_ be found."

Did she just threaten me or Pam?

Was I angry or turned on?

I couldn't decide. Probably because I was too busy being pissed off over how big my shirt was on her smaller frame.

I hadn't been able to ogle her ass in her bikini bottoms.

But it made no difference because she'd already stomped her way out of the room, down the stairs, and from the sounds of the slamming door, out of the house.

It wasn't until I was putting Pam back down on the floor that I noticed she looked none the worse for wear. If she hadn't been brought home inside of a pillowcase, I wouldn't have been any the wiser she'd been in another brawl. There wasn't a mark on her.

The same couldn't be said of our neighbor. Red was my favorite color and I had no doubt she would look amazing in that too, but blood red was a bit much even for me. Especially when I noticed the blood red drops on the floor.

"Pam, did you do that?" I asked, using the ruined pillowcase she'd left behind to wipe up the evidence.

Her only response was to jump up on my bed and sprawl out in the sunlight, but the red coloring around her paws was proof enough.

I felt bad for yelling at Sookie once I was calmed down. If I'd caught that fuckhat Bob attacking Pam through my screen door, he would've been returned to them in small pieces. At least she'd just brought her home in a pillowcase.

A nice one at that.

That only led me to having thoughts about what the rest of her bed looked like and how I would look in it, but I doubted her wife would like that.

And as pissed off as Sookie was, I doubted she would either.

So I took a quick shower, taking care of my other problem thanks to her wardrobe malfunction while I was in there, and then took off to the mall in Monroe to buy her a replacement pillowcase. I would've purchased the whole sheet set, but I didn't know what size to get and while I was there I ended up getting called in to work. The crew was doing a remodel on a house in Shreveport and with Alcide away, I had to go fix the fuck up, so by the time I got back home it was already dark.

I could replace a screen in no time flat just using the porch light, so I grabbed the spare roll of screen I had lying around and took it along with the pillowcase, heading next door. Only one of their cars was parked in the driveway, so I didn't know who – if anyone – was home.

But I found out pretty quickly it was Sookie.

I only knew because I passed by an open window on my way to the front door and saw her.

On her bed.

Queen size, I now knew.

I also now knew she had sex toys because she was lying on her bed and using one.

It was wrong. So very fucking wrong, but I couldn't make my feet move. And I sure as shit couldn't make my eyes look away. She was completely naked, with one hand playing with those amazing breasts that were permanently burned into my retinas, while the other slowly stroked the vibrator in between her folds.

I no longer wanted to lick away her golden tan. Not now when I could see what else she had to offer.

Both the toy and her upper thighs were coated in the glossy sheen of her arousal and I held my breath, trying to activate some latent invisibility superpower, so I could remain standing there unseen.

For. The. Rest. Of. My. Life.

Soft gasps and moans were leaving her lips like the pre-cum was leaving the tip of my dick. And as luck would have it I'd thrown on basketball shorts after getting out of the shower, so when she finally slid her toy inside of her body it was easy for my hand to slip down into the waistband and match her strokes with my own.

I was a pervert.

A fucking jerking off in the dark Peeping Tom pervert.

Alcide was right. It _had_ been way too long since I'd last gotten laid. But watching her, I knew now I would be ruined forever. From there on out I would compare every woman to the perfection lying a mere four feet away from me.

I knew I should walk away. I should take me and my cock in my hand the fuck back home and I nearly had my feet convinced to move when I nearly came undone instead.

Literally.

Because just as I convinced myself I didn't want to have to sign up on the sex offender registry, her hand moved faster with her back arching up into the air as she came.

Calling out _my_ name.

Maybe she knew _another_ Eric?

Maybe it was some weird coincidental pet name for her wife?

But maybe – _just maybe_ – she wasn't as inaccessible as I'd once thought.

I may have spent more time than necessary wondering that very thing. I may have done it while continuing to stroke myself as she worked herself down from her orgasm.

And I may have surpassed a world record sprinting back to my house when headlights appeared on the driveway.

I could always look it up on Guinness's website later on.

**SPOV**

Fuck me and my attraction for unattainable assholes.

I'd had a hard enough time trying not to think about his bare chested highness, but those boxer briefs did me in. And I placed all blame squarely on David Beckham's perfectly broad shoulders.

He and Eric could be body doubles, only Eric came without the tats and an annoying Posh Spice.

Eric just came with his husband.

And it annoyed me to no end.

I couldn't even get away from him by flying over a thousand miles away. For the entire week, my mind kept drifting back to him. It probably didn't help I'd brought his t-shirt with me to sleep in, but whatever.

It was my new favorite pillowcase.

And like a dumb addicted ass, I didn't even bother to wash it. It smelled like him and I liked it. And I may have softened towards him a little more when Amelia called me on Monday night to tell me she'd come downstairs to find the screen door fixed. She'd been in her room with Trey and having been home on more than one occasion when he was _visiting_, I wasn't surprised at all she hadn't heard anyone knock.

Not with the way those two knocked boots.

And not only was the door fixed, but a new pillowcase was left dangling from the doorknob in a shopping bag. A nice new high thread count pillowcase.

It didn't surprise me at all a gay man would notice the quality.

In fact, it just reiterated I needed to stop daydreaming about assholes who wanted no part of my lady bits.

_Taken_ assholes at that.

I would never consent to be the other woman in any relationship, straight or gay, and wishing for someone like Eric was like wishing for a pet unicorn.

Not. Gonna. Happen.

At least my conscious self knew that. Unfortunately I had no control over my subconscious self which was why I couldn't stop dreaming about him. In the shower. Up against a wall. In my bed or on his porch swing. We were rabid rabbit fuckers every night in my dreams and it was taking a toll.

Both on me and the Energizer bunny my boyfriend Dick ran on.

When I got home on the following Friday, both rejoicing and lamenting over the fact my business trips were finally over with, I took one last long whiff of my no-longer-mine-in-good-conscience t-shirt and put it in the washing machine. I intended to return it the following day since he'd been nice enough to replace the screen and my pillowcase. I would've called to thank him earlier, but we didn't have his number and Amelia had been spending a lot of time with Trey, so she hadn't had the chance to.

She was spending the night at his house and had already told me not to expect her home when I spoke to her the night before, so I was startled hearing someone coming up the front porch as I stepped out of the shower. I'd only left the screen door shut since it was a balmy night and figured it was probably just Amelia stopping by to pick up her overnight bag. So I didn't bother to throw on a robe over my towel when I took a step out of my room to peek down the hallway.

Only to find the maybe-he-wasn't-such-an-asshole-after-all unicorn I'd been wishing for, plaguing my dreams and killing Energizer bunnies far and wide, standing there on the other side of the door.

**EPOV**

"Sookie?"

I saw the wife leave earlier that day carrying an overnight bag, so I hoped she wouldn't show up unexpectedly. I just wanted to say what I had to say and get out of there. I knew spending any time with her would only make it harder for me to want to leave and I'd had a hard enough time trying to forget about what I'd seen Sookie do.

Okay. That was a lie.

It was _impossible_ for me to forget what I'd seen Sookie do and it too was forever burned into my brain. I knew because I'd already replayed the scene multiple times while in the shower.

Thank God for well water.

But when I'd gone over on Monday afternoon to replace the screen on their door, it was also impossible to miss what was going on inside.

They were fucking loud.

And by that I mean, they were fucking and doing it loudly.

What I'd come to know was Sookie's car was gone, so I knew it wasn't her. And my path had taken me right past their bedroom window, so I knew at least her wife had some level of respect to not fuck someone else in their bed.

But it pissed me off anyway.

I had no right. I had no clue what their relationship was like. Maybe they were sick of each other. Considering what I'd seen and heard from Sookie on the night I'd pervertedly peeped on her, maybe whatever they were to one another was a phase. It even made all the more sense to my warped logic when I later saw her wife's partner in adultery was a guy.

But even if I had just imagined the whole idea I could have a shot with her, I wouldn't let her be blindsided by her philandering other half.

Again, it wasn't my place and I knew it. But knowing it was the reason my own parents didn't stay together made it a sore subject for me. My mom never really got over finding my dad in bed with another woman when she was six months pregnant with me and it was why she chose to remain single for the rest of her life.

Me, Jackson, and Alcide were the only men she ever fully trusted again.

So that was what led me across the field and up onto her porch. I hadn't yet worked up the nerve to knock when she caught me standing there.

And then every thought fell out of my head.

Because Sookie didn't seem to notice she was only wearing a towel, but I sure as hell did. My dick noticed too.

I could tell by the tightening in my pants.

So I attempted to distract her. From noticing either the barely hanging on towel or my hard on, by forcing my mouth to move and ask, "Can we uh…talk for a minute?"

We'd yelled at each other more than we had ever actually spoken, so I wasn't all that confident she would invite me in. Which was why I was surprised when she hesitantly answered, "Um…okay. Come on in."

Bob glared at me from the couch, but I barely noticed.

I was too distracted by the water dripping down the side of her neck and into her towel.

I wanted to _be_ that towel.

Instead I opened my mouth, trying to find the words I'd rehearsed and had already forgotten thanks to her near nakedness, when she began with, "I was away on business this week, but Amelia told me you replaced the screen. I planned on coming by tomorrow to return your t-shirt and say thank you."

"Oh, uh…it was nothing," I sputtered out.

It was hard to maintain any coherency when the majority of my blood was now pumping through my lower half. But hearing her mention the screen, made me say, "About that. I uh…on the day I was here I uh…_heard_ something that I thought maybe you should be aware of."

"And what was that?" she asked as she took several steps towards me. It threw me off.

Just like the fact her eyes were zeroed in on my poorly hidden erection.

My feet carried me several steps forward too, but it wasn't like I could stop them. There was a gravitational pull right there smack dab in the middle of her fucking hallway.

I would swear to it on a contractor's bible.

"I…you see, I uh…knocked when I first got here that day, but no one answered and since the uh…" My tongue got tangled for a moment trying to dart out of my mouth to latch onto her skin, so I paused long enough to reel it back in and said, "Door was open, I just…fixed it."

She took the two steps needed to bring our bodies face to face, drawing her eyes up to mine. And like my dick was on a tether, it went up with them as she licked her lips and said, "Thank you."

Would it be bad form to just attack her right now?

Probably.

Yeah, I was almost sure it would be bad form. And illegal.

Swallowing hard, I said, "You're welcome."

To me.

You're welcome to any part of me.

**SPOV**

He was so tall. And so fine. He wore humbly shy just as well as he wore broody asshole.

And I wanted him to wear me.

On his dick and his face and his giant bear claw hands.

And given what I'd seen of both his dick and his face, I had to wonder if maybe he wasn't at least Bi.

One part of him was definitely digging me and I really wanted it to dig _deep_ inside of me.

But knowing he was in a relationship made the moral side of my brain try to smother the smutty side, with me taking a step back before I begged him to try me on for size, and instead said, "Your shirt is in the wash now, but you're more than welcome to wait. Did you eat yet? I just got in, but if you want to run home and get Alcide, I'd be happy to make dinner for you both."

And maybe if I feed you enough wine I could at least get to see what you're like when you get handsy with one another.

I'd totally fantasize I was Alcide later on when they went home.

My offer seemed to bring him up short as he looked confused and said, "Alcide doesn't live with me. And it's Friday night, so he's probably out with his girlfriend."

I was the one caught short then with my mouth automatically asking, "Girlfriend? But I thought he was your…your husband."

"Husband?" he asked with his eyes going wide. "What? Why would you think Alcide and I were? Eewww…"

"He said you were his _partner_. You have a foo-foo cat with a pink rhinestone collar and you all walk around half naked like you're auditioning for a lead role in gay porn," I argued. The mental hammer and screwdriver innuendo-filled bad porny dialogue had been driving me crazy all week. It was what made me reiterate _I _wasn't the assuming asshole by adding, "And _you_ assumed Amelia was _my wife_, so I _naturally_ thought _he_ was _your husband_."

I mean, seriously. I'd had more than one dream of Alcide on his knees offering to blow out Eric's candle in the wind while Elton John sang a cappella from the corner of the room. Holding a candle.

"She's _not_? I mean…_you're not_…you know…_together_?" he asked.

I couldn't imagine the types of dreams_ he'd_ been having, but I could guess so I shook my head and said, "Amelia is my _roommate_. We don't have pillow fights in our lingerie. We have passive aggressive fights where I take down all of the picture frames on the wall and scatter them like landmines on the stairs and floor because she kept me up all night long, banging against the walls while she's banging _her boyfriend_."

Honestly, I was surprised they hadn't fallen to the floor on their own from the sounds I could hear coming from her room on some nights. And she'd hidden Dick from me on more than one occasion as payback.

It was why he now had a secret twin named Rick.

"But…" he hesitated, looking like he was trying to force two puzzle pieces together that didn't go together. Me and Amelia, I assumed. "But Mrs. Fortenberry. She said that you two…"

"Of course she did," I smiled evilly and added, "Because she looked so sad and lonely one night at Merlotte's after her twenty-seven year old _baby_ finally cut the cord and moved out of her house, that Amelia and I decided to cheer her up by dancing a little too up close and personal to one another. She needed something to think about other than Hoyt, so we gave her something else to talk about. And given the looks everyone else gave us, I can only guess what _they_ were thinking." I grinned, remembering it all and said, "I bet we would've made a killing in tips if Sam put up a pole."

He looked so confused and elated at the same time that I couldn't help it. I doubled over laughing.

It was why my towel fell off.

I supposed it was payback from God for joking about that stripper pole.

**EPOV**

If _that_ wasn't a sign from God, I didn't know _what_ was.

But I couldn't tell if Sookie was giving me an all clear sign by not picking up her towel right away.

After all, her body seemed frozen in place and she had yet to blink.

But I knew just how I could warm her up.

"Why does that always happen around you?" she finally whispered, seemingly to herself.

"Because… _I'm lucky_?" I smiled.

It's not like I could help it. She was _naked_. What's not to smile about there?

But figuring she was likely too mortified to move, I stooped down to retrieve the towel. The only problem with my chivalry was that she couldn't have been expecting it since she'd bent down in the same moment.

And we ended up with our faces only inches apart.

While her eyes searched mine, I did my best to keep them on hers. She was hot as hell when she was all fired up, but now, when she was just a little vulnerable and unsure, she was simply Sookie. And that was beautiful no matter what she was or wasn't wearing.

"Fuck it," she whispered again. I didn't have to ask her what she meant by that because I agreed wholeheartedly when she leaned forward and placed her lips on mine. She tasted as sweet as she appeared and when I licked her bottom lip, she let me in so I could know that even when she was sweet, she was still hot as hell.

Her tongue met mine with equal passion and her hands went to the back of my head while we both balanced on the balls of our feet. I'd kissed enough women to know Sookie was no slouch. The kiss wasn't too hard or too soft. Too sloppy or too rigid. It was just right.

Just call me fucking Goldilocks.

"I don't normally do this," she panted into my mouth as she struggled to pull my shirt over my head.

"I don't either," I agreed. I'd been too scared to move any more than I already had, afraid to break the spell we were under until she gave me the green light. I helped her out by lifting my arms and when the shirt was free from my body I wrapped my arms back around hers to lift her up. I'd had a couple of one night stands, but I didn't make a habit out of them. I liked being in a relationship and it had been a long time since I'd found someone I wanted to be in one with.

Sookie had the potential to be that someone.

And I had no willpower to deny either one of us right now. I wanted her. Had wanted her ever since I'd first laid eyes on her and now that she clearly wanted me back, we were so doing this.

And it wouldn't only be for one night if I had my way.

She attached herself to me like a koala and chewed on my neck while I walked us back to her bedroom. I smiled with my mind wandering for a moment, thinking I could attribute it to the eucalyptus in my after shave lotion.

And then I shook my head thinking it wasn't so far of a stretch for her to think my metrosexual ass was gay.

What the fuck was I thinking about that for _right now_?

As soon as I had her underneath me on top of her bed, she rolled us so that I was underneath her. I couldn't say that I minded considering my new view and my hands went straight for the goods, while my mouth confirmed, "I knew they were real."

"Thinking about those a lot, were you?" she snickered, while her hands did a bit of roaming themselves.

And the way her hips were moving made it a very real possibility I was about to cum in my jeans.

"Yes," I admitted and sat up to take one in my mouth. It tasted as good as it looked and the sounds she was making clued me in that she like it too.

It was like we were fucking made for each other.

And made for fucking each other.

Knowing I would likely embarrass myself – and earn a spot in Guinness's record book I wanted no part of – I took her other nipple in between my lips while letting my hand slide down in between her legs. I wanted – needed – to get her off at least once before I tried putting anything of mine into her.

First impressions and all. How else could I hope to be invited back?

It had been too long. Way too long and even with my recent attempts at draining the Louisiana water table thanks to my inability to forget the last time I'd seen her naked, I knew I wouldn't last long. Alcide's creepy timeline keeping had been off. It had been closer to two years than one since the last time I'd had sex. My mother had been the only woman I'd been concerned with at the time and I'd needed the time after her death to grieve. I couldn't be bothered with anyone else, but now…

Now I felt like I was finally ready to move on.

As if she was telepathic, Sookie moved her hips on top of my own and I had to stop her by placing my hands on them, practically begging, "You can't do that or this is going to end before we even get started."

When she looked back at me for clarification, I admitted, "It's been a while. A long while and you're too sexy for my own good. I doubt I'll last long."

"Oh," she smiled and looked as though I was issuing her a challenge because she slithered down my body asking, "What's your rebound time?"

"My…uh…what?"

She'd already pulled my shoes off and was working on getting my jeans open, but she only got as far as unzipping them when my cock sprang out. Her eyes went wide and she licked her lips, muttering, "Bless you Lord for this bounty I'm about to receive."

"Wha…"

Holy. Mother. Of. God.

Her tongue licked away the pre-cum leaking from my tip before her lips wrapped around the head and slid down my shaft.

All. The. Way. Down.

When I hit the back of her throat, she came up and sucked in air while she kept sucking on me before repeating the action. Her hands went to work on what couldn't fit in her mouth while my hands went into her hair and I tried to savor the sensation. To forever remember the way she was working my body and when she seemed to have a rhythm going that would lead to my first and most favorite heart attack, she added a new weapon to her arsenal. When I hit the back of her throat that time, instead of rising back up, she forced herself down even farther and I could feel her throat muscles working to swallow me.

It gave me a whole new appreciation for black widow spiders.

I'd be more than happy to die if this was the way I was going to go.

She couldn't have been at it for longer than a minute. I was surprised I'd even lasted _that_ long, but when she hummed around my cock there was no time to warn her.

She only had herself to blame.

My vision faded to black and either a T-Rex had joined us in the bedroom or I had let out the prehistoric roar that was echoing around the room. I couldn't tell which. I couldn't see anything when my orgasm exploded from my body and into her mouth. I only knew she swallowed because I could feel her lips still working around my shaft, milking me of everything I had to give.

I had a lot to give.

And when my sight slowly returned and I saw her beautiful face smiling back at me from my now semi-hard cock, I knew I had a lot of thanks to give in return.

**SPOV**

I normally wasn't this girl. I didn't call someone an asshole repeatedly and then end up naked with their dicks in my mouth.

But if this was what I'd been missing, I could definitely be this girl with Eric.

I couldn't think straight around him. I couldn't see straight. Everything about him made my insides turn to mush and I couldn't even deny it.

The evidence was leaking down my thighs.

And my chin.

I wasn't sure what this was. What we were doing or how it would turn out in the end, but I sure as hell wanted to find out.

I could still taste him in my mouth when he pulled me up his body and got a taste for himself. I could happily kiss him for hours, but when he flipped us over and started kissing his way down my body I wasn't about to stop him.

We could do the hours' long kissing thing later on.

"I've wanted to do this for weeks," he purred while he licked his way across my skin.

"Weeks?" I asked as my eyes rolled into the back of my head. "But we only just met last week."

Had it really only been a week?

He continued to lick and suck his way further down my body while he admitted, "I saw you sunbathing when I was up on the roof. I was jealous and wanted to lick your skin like the rays of light licked at your body."

I supposed I _could_ have been creeped out to find out he'd been watching me.

But Amelia's binoculars were still sitting on the side table in the living room where I'd left them, so who was I to judge?

And with the way he was licking my body, Eric could absolutely turn into my new vice.

I didn't have the time or mental capacity to respond with anything more than a long drawn out moan when his tongue reached a spot only visited by Dick and Rick in the last several months. And if this, whatever it was, worked out between Eric and me?

They would be retired in the very near future.

His hands pressed down on my inner thighs, keeping my legs spread wide open, while his tongue went to work on driving me insane. Soft and hard. Quick and slow. I would barely have time to expect one when he gave me the other and all I could do was grip the back of his head and enjoy the ride.

Disneyland had officially come to Bon Temps.

And I was going to cum any minute.

He wrapped his mouth around my clit, softly sucking it in between his lips, while using tortuously slow licks of his tongue to beat at my sanity and make my hips buck into his mouth. Moving one arm to pin my hips in place, he used his free hand to glide his fingers along my slit before sliding one in and finally giving my inner muscles something to hold onto. I cried out when he added a second and it wasn't long before he worked in a third. I was so wet it didn't take much effort, but I already knew it wouldn't compare to what else he had that would fill me up.

And I wanted it.

"Please Eric," I whimpered, not sure what I was asking for until he asked, "Please, what?"

"Make me cum."

I was so close. So very fucking close and it was quickly driving me insane. My begging must've been like waving a red flag in front of a horny bull because he growled around my clit and started thrusting his hand into me faster. But when his fingers curled and brushed over that one spot only he had ever been able to find, I knew I'd found my Christopher Columbus.

And he'd just landed on my Plymouth Rock.

Fireworks exploded behind my eyes as my whole body spasmed on the bed. I was sure I looked like an epileptic taking a bath with a hair dryer, but I couldn't be bothered enough to care.

Eric had just made history with my hoohah.

I was still tingling and my vision was spotty when I felt him move off of the bed. My mouth was already forming my protest when I saw him staring back at me. With a fire in his eyes, he pushed his jeans down his hips and smiled.

"Time for the rebound round."

**EPOV**

Fucking. Gorgeous.

Everything about her was perfect and I had a feeling she was going to need a restraining order and barbed wire if she ever wanted me to leave her alone.

Even then, it probably wouldn't help.

I was already hard again before I'd even made it halfway down her body, but now. After witnessing the way she looked when she came up close and in person, I didn't think I'd ever get enough of her. And I had a feeling I was about to relive my teenage years of walking around with a constant hard on.

At least now, hopefully, I had Sookie to help me out with my not so little problem.

Her eyes trailed down my body and stopped on my not so little problem, with them narrowing slightly as she asked, "Do you by chance have any condoms with you? I have a box in my bathroom, but for all I know they're expired. And they probably wouldn't fit you anyway. Do you have to special order them?"

Not only does she stroke my cock with her tonsils, she even strokes my ego.

I might just end up marrying this girl.

I leaned down and kissed her, before pulling back with a smile and said, "No, I don't have any condoms. I told you it's been a long time and I didn't come over here thinking this was even a possibility."

That was the understatement of the fucking year.

"Hoping to catch a lingerie pillow fight?" she giggled.

"It's better than the sword fight you were imagining," I laughed on my way to her bathroom. Once I found the box (and checked the expiration date – we were good by a month), I walked back into her bedroom and found her playing with herself.

"Impatient?" I leered, while my fingers ripped open the foil pouch.

"Doubtful," she smiled back. "If they don't fit, there's some Saran Wrap in the kitchen we can try."

My eyes were locked in on what her hands were doing, so I was left using nothing more than touch to try and get the condom on as I chuckled, "Sexy _and_ crafty? I like the dangerously absurd way you think outside of the box."

"Says the man who thought _so far_ outside of the box he paired mine with my roommate's," she snorted.

Christ. Even that sounded sexy coming from her. There I was, dying to fuck her, and I was actually enjoying our conversation enough that I wasn't sure what I wanted more. And it was then I knew I had it bad.

And because there was no way in hell I was going to admit that right now, I only said, "A legit mistake based on false intel. Besides, I'm a handy guy. I'll make it fit."

And it was tight, but I did make it fit.

And if that size was what she'd been used to, then I knew something else was going to be tight.

I couldn't wait to make it fit.

"Of course you're handy," she sighed when I climbed on top of her. "You've got baseball mitts for hands. You have no choice but to be handy."

"I didn't hear you complaining about my hands a few minutes ago," I reminded her by whispering in her ear.

With the way she moaned and wrapped herself around me I knew I could happily spend forever in her bed. She reached down and placed my tip at her entrance, locking her legs around my hips, and warned, "You're going to get an earful of complaints if you don't get your handy ass to work."

My retort about being a _working stiff_ was lost the moment she shifted her hips and I began to slide inside of her. She was a tight fit in the best of ways and I quickly became lost in her.

Biting. Licking. Sucking. Groping. Begging. Screaming for more. Joking with and challenging each other all in the same breath.

It was like she was somehow already my other half. Nothing about it made it feel like it was our _first_ time together and instead felt like we'd been at it for years. And it wasn't just the amazing sex. I'd never felt so comfortable so quickly with any woman before. _Everything_ about her felt right and by the time we were both a sweaty panting mass of nerves at the end of it all, I knew without a doubt I really was done for.

**SPOV**

"What's it going to be today? Kitchen or master bath?" Eric's voice rang out into the room.

The farmhouse had never looked so good and I knew Gran would've been proud. Eric ended up flipping the Compton house and selling it when he moved in with me. And he and I had spent the last couple of years restoring it to a glory it had never seen before, but it was worth it in the end.

And watching him wander around in his tool belt all of the time was a definite bonus.

My eyes traveled from the stare down I'd been amusing myself with between Pam and her archenemy Bob to come to rest on Eric in the doorway. When Amelia and Trey had gotten married a couple of months before we did, they got a new bigger place together, but it didn't allow pets.

Trey was not heartbroken in the least.

So we had temporary custody until they bought a house of their own and Pam and Bob had been forced to reach a truce.

A truce that sometimes required a water pistol or a muzzle.

"Kitchen it is," Eric cooed and my insides got all mushy again seeing him nuzzle his scruffy cheek against our newborn son's. His name, Jackson Stackhouse Northman, was a mouthful, but it didn't come anywhere close to how much we loved him. How much I loved Eric and how much he loved me. He still called himself the lucky one for the way things turned out between us, but he was wrong.

_I_ was the lucky one.

And not wanting to waste a single moment of the gifts I'd been blessed to receive, I followed them into the kitchen to watch Eric give Jackson his bath.

And if _he_ was lucky, he wouldn't get peed on this time.

**Thanks for reading!**


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